On Midnight Broodings


That Night #3

Not defined by words, thoughts or actions because they are all out there anyway. Out in the open to be stolen and desecrated. No one to guard that gullible heart because those eyes are fixed on the forbidden. My eyes. Tiny irises, black, expanding and contracting at the sight of him. The air is sweeter, night cooler, mind calmer. Not an overwhelming presence, just an existence. A life. Breathe in, breathe out. Inhale, exhale. Open wide, close tight. Blink and stare. The shapeless clouds break into a victory dance of sorts. Circling the incomplete moon. The hapless crescent taped on a grey sheet of paper. Stars lined like pall bearers, lifting a weightless thought out of the insignificant cacophony of letters raging below. Higher it floated, filling the coffin with an ethereal glow. A single ray shoots down, catching two pairs of wandering eyes. United in confusion, pulled apart by complacency. Intertwined fingers on a heaving chest. Smoke obliterating the vision. Orange. Condescendingly moved from the right to the left. Breathe in recycled air. A dream appears. Slow breeze, darkness falls, leaves giggle at the prospect of the future. One arm around the shoulder, the other resting on the lap. Hearts flutter at the other’s touch. Eyes wide open. Head resting on the shoulder. Perfection of the mind is sometimes intimidating. Reality even more. Ticking of the watch washes over the warmth of the dream. The cold creeps back onto the skin of the visitors.

All I really want to do is to fall into the emptiness that is the space in between us, to break this division.
All I really want to do is to fall into the emptiness that is the space in between us, erase it and bring us together again…

Building 429

That Night #2

Doubt covered my conscience as I looked into his eyes. He seemed so sure of himself and here I was trying to prove a simple point and I was failing miserably. I could feel the tears welling up and I blinked a couple of times to console myself. The night air was chilly but the diamond studded horizon made up for the below normal temperature. I just let the conversation wither away because I was tired of defending my beliefs. I looked out at the sky and saw the lighthouse flashing its routine light. We were so far away but the light seemed to beckon me to its shores. I closed my eyes and imagined the soft yellow sand beneath my feet, the salty air caressing my cheek and the unending shoreline. It felt like home. I unconsciously (maybe consciously) ran my fingers through his soft hair. And then it hit me, like a crashing wave. “Stream of consciousness! That’s what it is!!” He looked at me blankly and then it hit him too. “Guess your phrase exists after all.” This small phrase had been eluding me for more than a week and he was convinced that it didn’t exist. I cherished this pleasure for a moment before falling back into despondency. Random thoughts started whirring through my  mind and I felt a weird sense of fear clutch my heart. That’s when he whispered, “What are you thinking?” His voice sliced the silence and I scrambled to think of something witty but all I could think of was construction lights. I settled for construction lights in the end. He didn’t snicker and I sighed with relief, in my head. I didn’t feel like leaving, but my freezing hands answered his doubts. He pushed himself up wrapped and his arm around me. The sudden warmth sent sparks to every nerve in my body. I huddled close and tried to picture my warm cozy bed. But all I could sense was the biting cold and the cigarette smoke from my fingers. The smell of the smoke set off a chain of thoughts. The first time I saw him, consequent 10 second meetings, the first time I made conversation with him (and convinced him to give up his watch for a day), our first all nighter… I closed my eyes and tried to will my unrelenting mind to submission. It was bent on playing these scenes in my head. “What are you thinking?” My thoughts melted and I whispered nothing. “Bokito?” I smiled and said, “umm, yeah. You could say that…” Something inside prompted me to spell the truth. “Actually, I was thinking about you.” I expected silence and a questioning look. Instead he smiled and said, “Me? Poor me…” “Yeah. How you are an annoying bastard.” To my relief and surprise the conversation ended there. As we walked down the spiral staircase which had missing hand rails, a single line was playing in my conscious head:
‘Maybe you were the ocean when I was just a stone.’ I was just a stone…

That Night #1

Enough had been said. I couldn’t bear it anymore. But those eyes kept me rooted to my seat. All my resolve melted and I readily fell back and decided not to tell him what I had been contemplating all week. We were best friends, or so he thought .I wanted more, I always had. But then I realized what I had been setting myself up for. Disappointment. About time I learnt from my previous mistake. Huddled on that stone bench at 1 in the night was our idea of spending time. He would eventually fall asleep on my lap, insisting all the time that I give him a head massage. But the bench was too small for him to get that comfortable, so he settled for my shoulder. I tucked the random strands of hair behind my ear so that it wouldn’t fall into his eyes. Holding his hand in mine, I started tracing words on his hand. Random thoughts were whizzing through my mind and I traced out ‘today’. He spoke up. “Are you telling me what you wanted to say?” Caught off guard, I replied, “umm.. no..yes.. no! But that is a brilliant way to tell you!” Excited, I quickly traced it on his palm. He guessed the words before I finished tracing them, but that was fine. So, in the end, this is what I said “I have been thinking about us. And I realized that it is better off if we were just friends.” His reply was an expected one. “I thought we were just friends…” “Yes, but I was referring to myself, how I felt. I am trying to get over you…” “And, you have?” I gave him the look and said, “Dude, it isn’t easy to get over someone. It takes time. But, yeah, I’m trying real hard and I hope I can.” That conversation ended there, but I could feel the tension in my body washing away as I finally admitted this. The rest of the night was unlike the others we had spent. I got him to talk about his crushes, something I had avoided adamantly and I was surprised by his choices. Well, one thing I was glad about was that I was his closest friend and he hadn’t opened up to anyone but me. We were best friends and I was his closest confidant.


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